blatherings. . .

Most of us have something to say about our time here in TXF fandom, and I'm no exception. Call this a collection of "memoirs" if you will. I call them my ramblings and blatherings about TXF, the fan fiction community, and fandom in general. Don't expect too much organization here, I'm basically going to add to the list at random depending on where my thoughts take me. A little bit irreverent, a little bit tongue-in-cheek, and generally honest and uncensored. Consider yourself warned... :)

The Show...

Saying goodbye is strange when there's really no one on the receiving end of the sentiment.

I write this as I am just in the "newness" of having heard a few minutes ago that The X-Files has been renewed for a ninth season. Was the decision a surprising one? No, because I would actually have been surprised by the opposite. I don't think that Fox (or Chris Carter for that matter) understands the concept of creative integrity and how damaging it is to drag a TV show past its intended lifetime. In a way, I understand their motivation but at the same time I feel sorry for (and am — admittedly — slightly angry at) their inability to end things in a sensible and dignified fashion.

Of course, right this moment, I have not yet seen the season eight finale. That's a good thing. I'm not necessarily looking forward to it; neither am I one of the ones who feels that anything conclusive will come out of it. Call Carter what you want, but he's not stupid. He knew all along which way it was hanging with respect to the network's desire to keep the X-Files franchise alive and well. His knowledge of that would have influenced how the finale was written and after last year's fiasco, I'm not about to be manipulated again by having expectations of any kind.

But as the saying goes, "that's not why I'm here". During some of my more reflective moments this past year, I've looked back and wondered about this obsession that I've had since 1995. (No, I'm not an "original" Phile by any means, but I feel like I've put in my time nonetheless.) The thing is, when all is said and done, it wasn't a waste of time. The title of this little piece, however, expresses what I've come to realize about this show — and about life in general. It's the experience itself that counts, not any promise or expectation of something great at the end of the road. If I choose to think that way about TXF, I can ignore everything that's happened since the show stopped "working" for me. Like any other journey in life, we all have different itineraries and side trips to take.

This is my stop. It's time to say goodbye to those still on board and move on.

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Beyond a Bad Dream

It is one day after the premiere of another X-Files season and I am sitting here contemplating various things. On the surface of it, last night wasn't too much different for me from most Sunday nights over the past year and a half. Since May of 2000, I've had fewer than ten occasions where Sunday was significant for me as an X-Files fan. Therefore, the habit had effectively long been broken, the pattern no longer a set behaviour. Over the past month, though, I've put my "antennae" out — gingerly — in an attempt to get some idea as to what established fandom was feeling and thinking as the premiere neared. I didn't want learn too much about the storyline; I am sincerely not interested in whatever shenanigans our mighty creators are pulling out of their hats. My interest — truth be told — is solely a morbid curiosity regarding what it is that drives the remaining folks to stick with this show and/or be so willingly manipulated.

The reason I wonder is because I've read commentary from both fans and critics who profess to feel supremely disappointed and sorely betrayed. Some of these same individuals, however, are still planning to watch the show, a decision that amazes me. Whether they make the case that they're "giving it a chance" or whatever, I just don't get it. (And as for giving it a chance — I think I've been there and done that. The cold hard truth is that what came down the production pipe in season eight was a solid indication that "TXF as a baseball game" has struck out and shouldn't be given any more chances.) If one feels disappointed and betrayed and the source of that disappointment and betrayal has been identified, why does one go back for more? Doesn't this just give the creators the undeniable right to do whatever the hell they damn well please, because the minions will continue watching no matter what crap they serve up? Could it be that this "loyal" segment of TXF followers has actually created the arrogance that is now 1013 — a production company that seems to believe that it has a certain invincibility with respect to this show? Remember, I'm not talking about those who honestly like what they see — I'm talking about those who complain about how bad the show has become and yet still seem ready and willing to crawl back for their third, fourth, and fifth helpings of slop.

So I'm sitting here and reflecting on what precisely it was about season eight that makes it impossible for me to move forward in TXF time and join the happy crowd. Maybe it was the "fact" that Mulder was abducted by aliens and subsequently buried alive for three months and yet none of it even merited a mention in the tabloids... (I'm totally bummed about that. Where's the National Enquirer when you've got bonafide cover material?? Exclusive! FBI Agent Buried Alive for Three Months After Abduction by Aliens!) The thing that had always been wonderful about The X-Files during my time as a faithful watcher was that it managed to tread that fine line between real and absurd so skillfully that most of what I saw, I wanted to believe. Do I think I'll run into a Flukeman if I go for a walk in the sewers? Do I buy the story of a liver-eating mutant who's a hundred-and-some years old and can squeeze through a heating vent? Do I think that some eyeball-bouncing psychotic can affect images in a photograph? No, not really. But in the world of Mulder and Scully, I can see them having "real" conversations about such things. I can see them going through real angst about alien implants and killer fireflies. That was the marvelous gift of The X-Files.

But try as I may, I can't imagine Mulder and Scully sitting down to discuss the long list of ludicrously stupid things that happened to them over the course of season eight (not to mention the "long arm" of influence of season eight — i.e., the flashbacks to previous IVF discussions and the supposed attempts by Mulder to find a cure for his fatal brain disease during the past year). Small wonder CC and FS couldn't write any scenes of our central characters discussing such matters — it would have been an impossible task and they knew it. One simply cannot write...

"All those months you were buried alive, I had to cope with my pregnancy on my own, protecting this baby that I don't know how I came to have… while battling aliens and trying to to keep up your rent payments and feed your fish —"

What's worse, season eight's ultimate legacy to me was complete destruction of the whole Mulder/Scully relationship. Sure, the creators gave a lot of "background" lip service to the fact that yes, the viewers were right all along... Mulder and Scully are indeed involved in a loving relationship — see, they even made a baby — but they were incredibly foolish in how they chose to accomplish this. The treatment was an insult to the intelligence of long-time viewers. None but the silliest, shallowest, and most deluded of all shippers could be happy with the result. As far as I'm concerned, it would be my preference for Mulder not to be the father of Scully's SuperNormal BabyThing. Not only is the storyline just plain bad, he deserves better than what Scully's become.

For me to move forward in TXF's present timeline — and if you're listening, CC, this needs to happen before I can swallow even the mere idea of the second X-Files movie that you're already so conveniently promoting on David Duchovny's uncommitted back — I'm going to need the intervention of a Newhart or Dallas-like plot device: it's all been a dream, a really, really sick, bad dream. Maybe we can go back to that fictional place of Bellefleur, Oregon and look into that mysterious forcefield. I'm sure it can be used to rescue our heros from the ridiculous and insane Bizarro World lives that they've been leading since their last visit.

In the meantime, however, I refuse to have my buttons pushed by those associated with the present Ex-Files. Negative interest is still interest and even if that's all they can generate these days, it's still a victory of sorts for the creators of this show. What they are most afraid of is the day when nothing that they do will elicit a response from those who profess "not to care".

Well, do what you will, guys, because I don't care about what I'm not watching. And if enough people don't watch, maybe the ratings game will close you down before you actually rewrite the entire history of this show.

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The Fanfic...

I gotta say that I understood fully what David Duchovny was referring to when he implied that he was somewhat embarrassed by his profession. Actors don't get a lot of respect and I can see where an Ivy League educated individual might secretly yearn to be respected in his lifestyle of choice. The reason I bring this up is that, well, at times I've felt like I was living a secret life as an X-Files fanfic writer and was somewhat uncomfortable about it. Thank the forces that I thought far enough ahead to have written under a pseudonym, with the happy result that only a handful of people know who I really am.

I discovered fanfic in December of 1997. On December 4 to be exact, which I know because I still have the original story that I read saved on my hard drive. It was sort of intriguing, covering what might have happened personally between Mulder and Scully after the events of Paper Clip. The writing wasn't exceptional or anything, however, and I didn't really buy the resolution that they would have declared their love for one another at that point. Anyway, while I certainly did some extended reading over the next several weeks, I never became a rabid reader of fanfic. In fact, once I dove into the writing end of things, I basically stopped reading altogether.

I never planned to write fanfic (does anyone?) but rather fell into it. In the summer of 1998, I was dissatisfied with the X-Files' transition to the big screen. Mulder and Scully felt a bit "off" to me. Moreover, the big moment in the hallway continued to be bothersome as my inner voice convinced me that Chris Carter and his cohorts were simply not going to be up to the job of highlighting it as a life-changing event for his two characters.

As a result of personal matters getting on my nerves that September, I decided to work out my aggressions through a writing project. I had an idea of how I thought Mulder and Scully might address their hallway encounter and it ultimately turned into Crossing Lines three weeks later. Sometime in October, I submitted it to Gossamer (which at the time was reporting waits of several weeks/months to get processed), but otherwise did not post it anywhere.

At the time, I was remarkably ignorant about the entire fanfic "process". I wasn't connected to any newsgroups and had never even visited. My on-line activities were frankly quite limited — I wasn't even aware of the existence of Ephemeral, for instance, until some time after my third story had been released. (In hindsight, I consider that a good thing, since Ephemeral is a double-edged sword for many of us.) Aside from sending it to Gossamer, I really didn't know what else to do with my story.

So it wasn't until the following March when — at the advice of a fellow author named Chris C. (to whom I owe thanks for that final push and suggestion) — I finally posted both Crossing Lines and Reparation to the ATXC newsgroup (after a couple of weeks of figuring out exactly how to do so.) The latter had been written over the course of three days or so in February, surprising me that I was capable of writing yet another story.

I was further surprised by the reception that I got. Within days of its release, Crossing Lines was archived by Darkstryder with an enthusiastic recommendation. The story was ultimately selected for archiving at five different places. (For a first-time effort, I couldn't have asked for a better welcome.) I eventually repeated that feat — this time making the cut at the "almighty" Haven — with Soul on Soul in July of 1999, marking the start of the high point of my fic writing experience. That summer, two of my stories were featured as "picks of the week" at the X-Files Fan Fiction Addiction. And in response to numerous queries as to the existence of one, I finally launched my own website, in conjunction with the release of my fifth story.

I must admit that in the beginning, I felt pressured "to produce" by reader feedback. I guess it's natural to experience that "you gotta churn this stuff out to stay in the game" mentality. To be honest, it was distasteful even as I found myself wanting to react to it. Luckily enough, though, I never had the time or the inspiration to be a prolific writer. And in my estimation, although my last set of stories didn't hit the same heights of popularity as the first, at least as time went on, I began to feel like I was writing for myself once again. If the number of feedbacks was arguably less, what I did receive were typically more detailed and engaging, and often included a confession of how the reader spent several consecutive hours at my site consuming the entire body of my work.

Even if Chris Carter doesn't seem to share the same philosophy, I've always known where I wanted my storyline to finish, where I wanted say goodbye. By the time of my fifth story, I had laid the groundwork for the end to take place in Water's Edge. I eventually wrote two more stories that take place afterwards, but they were really more for myself, as a Mulder supporter and a firm believer that he deserved a better outcome than the one dealt to him by his creator.

When I made my last changes to my final story on June 20, 2001, I felt satisfied. And — indicative of my diminished interest in the series itself — I felt ready to leave.

But it's been a slice.

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Style... or Lack Thereof

A feedbacker interested in writing some fanfic of her own once asked if I could briefly sum up my methodology, for lack of a better word. I don't know who it was, but I once heard a quote from a writer that basically said, "If you want to be a writer, just write." In reality, the truth of the matter probably lies somewhere between that and the aspiring author who ultimately goes to his grave saying, "I've always wanted to write." You basically have to start somewhere by writing something.

I don't profess to follow any official techniques about writing and therefore won't presume to lecture about them. Luckily, I am old enough to have been taught actual grammar back in my early school days and luckier still, I have remembered most of it. Likely due to my RL work, I have an ear for what sounds right and can catch virtually every split infinitive that comes my way. That said, I'm not married to rules. "A fragment does not a sentence make" and "avoid using cliches" are both true, but unless someone fills an entire story with them, I don't think we need to throw a hissy fit. Good writing comes from somewhere deep in the writer's heart and soul, two emotionally-charged areas that aren't necessarily good "rule followers".

With respect to my own TXF fanfic, the comments that I've appreciated the most are the ones that speak of how realistically written the characters are. On the surface, I suppose it helps that I'm of their age, I've spent time in bureaucratic work environments, and I've had similar relationship experiences (say what you want, but if the writing sounds like that of an inexperienced fifteen-year-old, it probably is). What has helped me the most, however, is an ear for dialogue. I only write what I can hear my characters saying and I can differentiate between Mulder's and Scully's verbal choices. For openers, this is good in the sense that it prevents me from ever writing something like the following: (By the way, if someone has indeed written this line, rest assured that I'm not trying to take credit for it.)

Dana Scully thrust her hands on her hips and screamed angrily, "Fox William Mulder, will you stop pouting and help me with the dishes?!!"

Virtually all of my story ideas have come to me via snippets of dialogue in my head. (Hence my favourite explanation that I hear voices in my head, but that since they're Mulder's and Scully's voices, it's okay.) In fact, many of my first drafts consist of nothing but conversation. If I somehow lose track of that internal dialogue, I get stalled and the piece will invariably languish. In all other cases, the stories generally write themselves. (Although I usually have to rearrange "scenes" since I don't write in a linear fashion. Beginnings and ends tend to come first — that is, I typically know where I want the story to start and end before I get around to developing the "guts".)

While most of my stories have been arguably "plot-less", I do recognize the importance of establishing a believable and realistic structure around my conversations. As a reader (or even a watcher) nothing annoys me more than contrived circumstances that exist merely to set up a "neat idea" that the author has. Whether a story is about Mulder and Scully having sex or having a conversation about why their relationship is so dysfunctional, it's always been a priority for me to ensure that my plot drivers are true to the characters and that they react to them in a consistent, believable way.

But all that said, I have no magic formula. While I definitely think that I have an identifiable style, I really can't describe what it is or how I came to establish it. I've been a writer all my life, having kept a journal starting when I was ten years old (a routine which continued more or less regularly until I got married at age thirty-four). Writing — in one fashion or another — takes up the majority of my real life occupation. All of this means that I've had a lot of practice, but on the other hand, I'm not sure if practice can really make anyone a better writer. (Many of us can name a few prolific fanfic writers out there who prove this point.)

Since I said that I won't lecture about writing techniques, I'll close off with a piece of advice to prospective fanfic writers that has nothing whatsoever to do with the process of writing. Stay grounded and keep things in perspective. Try to have fun, but remember to live in the real world. After all, it's just fan fiction — you're not curing cancer. Don't live and die by what you perceive to be your press clippings (and this holds true whether they're good or bad). At the end of the day, no matter how effusive (or lacking) the feedback has been, the whole experience — your achievements as well as your disasters — will live much longer in your mind than in anyone else's.

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Beta Reading Blues

As a writer I've never really used a beta reader. Going that route is probably not highly recommended nor is it the traditional way to go. But for the most part, I'm disciplined, thorough, and patient, so I don't think not using betas has affected me too adversely. (Not to say that I'm totally unscathed by the choice. I recently found an error in Soul on Soul — two years after its release — in the way of "his apartment" somehow ending up as "this apartment". There have been a few of those along the way, aggravatingly enough.) It's just that the idea of someone — anyone — reading my work before it's "final" is just not my style. And when you get right down to it, the potential of someone telling me, "well, maybe your story should go this way instead of that way" wouldn't be easy to take. After all, would the story still technically be "mine" at the end of it all? Yes, I tend to feel very possessive about my work. And now that I've made that confession, here's another: I don't much like being a beta reader either.

Which leads me to a question about beta reading... just what is involved with this job? I take it that it's more than proof-reading and applying generous gobs of "I loved your story." (Although I get the feeling that what some writers really want is that "fan on a leash"... someone who will more or less be obligated to say, "Hey, that was great" regardless of how not great it may have been.) Is it mere correction of spelling, grammar and facts or does something more opinionated enter into the picture? After beta-ing a writer's fifth story, are you still expected to say the same good things even though the comments start to sound repetitive and trite? When the story makes absolutely no impact on you and yet is not exactly "fit for the pit", are you still expected to dig down deep and find something about it that you like? (Let's face it, the majority of the stories that we read leave us feeling indifferent at best. They're not all "wow-zers".) It seems to me that beta-reading can get quite dicey if the people involved are not aware of the parameters of the "relationship".

In the end though, I guess most beta readers only go so far when it comes to making judgements on the essential subject matter. How else can you explain away a storyline where — despite him sitting on the toilet overcome by diarrhea — Mulder and Scully still manage to become members of the Mile High Club? (Yes, that story's been written and yes, I'm pretty sure the author uses betas. And yes, when I was originally alerted to the existence of this story, it occurred to me that it must also be the worst fanfic image I've ever had of Fox Mulder.)

People actually volunteer to be beta readers. I find that gratifying. (Really, because like I said above, I don't like doing it.) I just don't know how you determine how good a beta reader might be. If the writer in question is one of those who needs dire help, how can he or she tell if the assistance is any good? Not like any organization is giving out certificates from the Beta Reading School of Constructive Criticism.

I have some unsolicited advice for aspiring fic writers. If you want your stuff beta-ed, you could try approaching authors that you admire for their input. In all likelihood, the majority of them will agree to critique something if you ask nicely. (You might even ask if their betas are available.) Don't depend on them exclusively or obligate them to a slew of output, however. If you anticipate needing a steady diet of help, there are others who can provide you with more attentive service. In the long run, a voluntary beta will be a lot more valuable to you than a "semi-captive" one. (And once you've set sail, don't forget to pay tribute to anyone who lent you that first hand. If you've been given assistance, acknowledging it is only polite and costs you nothing.)

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My Recs

The most common question I've been asked is some variation of "who's your favourite author?" or "what's your favourite fanfic?" I've always had to qualify my responses because I truly haven't read enough to answer such questions fairly. But since I neither have the interest nor the inclination to read the world's entire collection of TXF fanfic, I suppose I do have some favourites from my reading days.

The fanfic author whose works I always suggest to someone is Anne Haynes. I originally knew her by another name but I suppose she applied a pseudonym after the fact for good reason, so I will respect that. Anyway, she is the only author whose stories I have read based merely on the fact that she wrote them. I don't agree with her every plot/scenario but it's always a pleasant experience to sit back with one of her creations.

The one story that I will always recommend — as long as the person is of age — is Pandora's Box by Rachel Anton. Rachel is known by many as the master of smut and while I'm not a fan of the genre, this particular one is quite funny. ("Funny smut?" you might be thinking... well, on the odd chance that you haven't read it, go do so. I'll even forgive you for running away from my site.) It is truly the only NC-17 story that I can say I enjoyed and have re-read several times.

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The Community...

Looking back at this obsession from a distance of four years since it first began (in a public sense), the best part of it all has been the lasting friendships that have been cultivated online. This surprises me, as I'm not one to surround myself with superficial relationships in RL, and I've always maintained an even longer "arm's length" when it comes to connecting with people online. For this reason, the fact that I've come out of this fandom with a couple of interesting, long-term correspondences is quite fulfilling. If nothing else, it reassures me that something concrete and genuine has come out of this strange period of my life, beyond TXF and perhaps beyond everything obsessive in nature.

During this time, there have also been, of course, the casual acquaintances. These are the people with whom I have sporadic contact at best, but who — even though many months may pass between a small inquiring note or a notice of email or web address change — still have the ability to spark that enthusiastic "how have you been" type of exchange when such contact is made.

On the other hand, just there are days in RL when I wish I didn't have to deal with other people, "people" can also be the worst thing about fan communities. And the unfortunate thing about a mostly "written" medium of expression is that annoying personalities sound so much more aggravatingly annoying when they spout their opinions online. Or, to put it in another way — give some individuals the promise of anonymity and watch how quickly their civil dipsticks come up dry. (Okay, so that wasn't totally original... apologies to FS and CC for paraphrasing.)

Those who are active in fandom choose to ignore it, but in truth, there was/is a distinct ugliness about the TXF fanfic community. (And to be fair, this is probably true about all structured communities, be they online or in your neighbourhood — my point is that the online aspect seems to increase the resulting venom a thousand fold.) I had the unfortunate opportunity to witness someone — who was not part of the "elite" core that ruled the fanfic world — being publicly vilified for opinions expressed on his personal website. (And no, it wasn't anything hate or race related.) The mob attack that instantly formed around this individual was nothing short of insanity. Moreover, I must say that I was quite surprised by some of the names that I saw jumping into the melee to act as judge, jury and executioner. Don't piss off the wrong people, indeed...

Thankfully, it was always my preference to move in the outskirts of the fanfic community. The thought of symbolically rubbing shoulders with a whole bunch of other fanfic authors in some invariably superficial way never turned my crank. My focus was on my relationship with my readers. And in the end, it was through that link that I came to have permanent friends on the other side of the world with whom I now communicate about things other than TXF.

10 best 9 8 7 6 5 worst

Friends, Acquaintances, and "Wouldn't Want to Know Ya's"

My Recs

Beta Reading Blues

Style... or Lack Thereof

I Did It My Way

Beyond a Bad Dream

The Journey is the Reward

Other
Non-Fiction:

EXPOSED: What Fanfic Readers REALLY Think!

The Importance of Being Stroked

Goodbye and Thanks for All the Stories